John Kerry and Chelsea Clinton Sparkle at Follies 2007

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John Kerry and Chelsea Clinton Sparkle at Follies 2007 (posted March 1, 2008)

U.S. Senator John Kerry and former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton turned the 2007 Newspaper Guild Follies into a Hollywood-style celebrity starfest. Clinton organizer Christine Heenan demonstrated her keen political acumen by bringing Chelsea to the Follies just days before Rhode Island casts its ballots in the March 4th presidential primary. Candidates can spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on television ads and direct mail pieces, but all Rhode Islanders know that the Follies is where the state's power elite gathers in late February.

Shaking hands and posing for pictures, Chelsea showed impressive class in greetings locals. Peter MacKay, brother of Providence Journal reporter Scott MacKay, was one of the lucky ones to shake Chelsea's hand. Asked what the handshake was like, he said it was okay, but on the "cold and clammy side". However, upon further questioning, he admitted that he was describing HIS hand, not hers.

Senator Kerry made a surprise visit as a bonus mystery guest and brought the house down with witty one-liners. Standing in front of the capacity crowd at the Venus de Milo, Kerry paused and joked that "this is what four electoral college votes look like". He said the gathering represented the "biggest collection of Rhode Island political dignitaries since the Christmas party at Allenwood federal penitentiary". In surveying the largely white and affluent crowd, he noted that those in attendance rarely had "paid so much for so little." In that regard, he reminded the audience, they were "just like Mitt Romney's supporters."

He said he had heard former Providence Mayor Buddy Cianci was out of prison and visiting Florida. "It is great he can cross state lines again", Kerry said. Seeing Senator Jack Reed get up and go to the restroom only to have his seat taken quickly by Congressman Patrick Kennedy, Kerry quipped that the lesson was similar to the Senator Larry Craig saga, "The men's room can be a dangerous place,".

This year's presidential candidates can in for their share of humorous jabs from Kerry. He told the audience that when Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama was asked the infamous "boxers or briefs" question, Obama quipped "I look good in both." However, when Republican contender John McCain was asked that same question, he replied "Depends". Kerry closed his comedy act by saying that if he had been elected president, he already had figured out a way to bring conservative Republicans and liberal Democrats together. He was going to propose "solar powered electric chairs." As president, he also promised to fund a new generation of hybrid cars that would be powered by a mixture of gasoline and ketchup.

The only bit of controversy in Kerry's act came at the end of his comedy monologue when he took a few minutes to give a serious talk explaining why he thought Barack Obama would make a better president than Hillary Clinton. Midway through the endorsement pitch, disgruntled audience members starting yelling out "Hillary, Hillary" to support their own presidential candidate. Caught off-guard by the noisy audience reaction, Kerry closed his presentation and retreated backstage.

Follies master of ceremony Scott MacKay got the official program off to a humorous start by offering designated drivers to those in need of one at the end of the evening. However, he promised that the driver wouldn't be "Representative Tim Williamson or a Barrington teenager." He announced that Barack Obama was not at the Follies because he was "at Brown signing copies of his new book, The Audacity of Hype." Mocking Lincoln Chafee's recent decision to disaffiliate from the Republican party, MacKay noted that Chafee's action had led to Senator Sheldon Whitehouse deciding to "disaffiliate from WASPs." From here on out, Whitehouse would be known as Miguel Casablanca.

Jabbing Governor Don Carcieri, MacKay said that in order to solve the state's massive budget crisis, the governor was following a "reverse Titantic" policy in which the state would "throw the women and children overboard first." That way, lifeboats would be saved for those who really needed them, "rich, white folks". He said the five words legislators least wanted to hear were "Shall the defendant please rise?" MacKay complained that Patrick Kennedy was becoming as boring as Jack Reed. The situation has gotten so bad that "drug companies have filed a class action suit to get him back on Ambien."

He explained the Providence Journal columnist M. Charles Bakst was missing his first Follies in 35 years because he was in Ft. Meyers training camp running to become president of "Red Sox Hebrew Nation." He quipped that when Governor Carcieri goes on Buddy Cianci's talk radio show, the show becomes the "Don and the Con" hour. MacKay proposed the merger of Roger Williams Law School, culinary school Johnson and Wales, and the Foxy Lady strip club so that the new school could be renamed "Torts, Tarts, and Tits".

Frank O'Donnell drew a number of laughs with jokes about the state's problems in handling a six-inch December snowstorm. He said state leaders were blaming everyone except those really at fault, and that was local television weather forecasters Tony Petracca and John Ghiorse. Noting that some of the tables were missing forks and knives, he apologized saying that the show had to "lay off half the cutlery." Commenting on Rhode Island Hospital's "wrong side" surgeries, he wondered whether the hospital's head of dyslexia surgery was Dr. Benjamin Clueless. He twitted the conviction of former state representative Jerry Martineau for selling bags to local businesses. However, he pointed out that it was not surprising that Blue Cross "pays five times as much" to purchase bags because its policy was to "pay first and ask questions later."

The comedian observed that the opening of the state's new interstate I-Way highway had to be postponed from Saturday to Sunday because of rain and worried that this was the first bridge to be made of paper mache. And noting that the state had just hired a new director of the department of transportation from Boston's infamous Big Dig, he asked if the state's finances had gotten so poor that we had "gotten rid of the guy who checks resumes."

As in usual, the show featured an impressive range of comedy skits and musical performances. The skit "Snow Job" was sung to the tune of MTA and made fun of the state's poor performance in the December snowstorm and young kids spending hours stranded on school buses: "All day long, little children are riding/Crying what will become of me?/When can I see my mommy and my daddy/And I really have to pee.... Even though we're living in New England/We screw up when it snows."

The skit "Pink Slipped" made fun of Governor Carcieri's layoff plans: "I am in charge of Rhode Island and I say you're fired/You're losing your job/You're fired/ You'll feel you've been robbed/I'll steal your dream." The piece "Bald Ambition" twitted Buddy Cianci's return to radio by singing "On the Radio": "September came and that's when I heard your voice again/And it brought me back to nineteen eighty-five/ It looks like it paid off/The time you did in the pen/Cause now you own the air waves/ Cause now you're a star." The segment of "Women on Top" spoofed Lt. Governor Elizabeth Roberts but argued that "a woman in charge is way past due". Governor Carcieri came in for ridicule in the skit "Family Values" for his strategy to "blame single moms". The skit complained that single moms are "having too much fun" and "reproduce like squirrels".

The show's final segment included mystery guest appearances by Attorney General Patrick Lynch and his brother Bill, head of the state Democratic party. Patrick came out dressed in a Spiderman outfit, but quickly stripped off his cape to reveal a Superman outfit appropriate for one of Rhode Island's super-delegates. Claiming that "ladies love the power part", Patrick argued with his brother Bill over their respective presidential candidate endorsements. Patrick supports Obama, while Bill has endorsed Hillary Clinton. Stepping in to break up the fight, their mother came out on stage and said "I'm voting for Oprah."